It’s always been a problem. I believe that from starting to drink from an early age, that obsession of the mind had set in before I was 16.
Even when drinking socially, I’d go hard and fast and would pass out. I was the party girl, the clown!
Things became unmanageable when I drank. Relationships would suffer but I was indifferent to the consequences because all I cared about was drink. I slept around, I lied, stole, cheated. I got into trouble with the police and was suspended from school for selling ecstasy. I had a suspended sentence and I could not care less. I started smoking heroin as weed made me paranoid.
Things finally snapped when I was sent to prison for 6 months for possession of drugs with intent to supply and a knife. I told the judge he could f off. Selling drugs is a good way to pay for more drugs.
I don’t want to talk about prison and what happened to me. All it did do was introduce me to NA. When I got out I was determined to stay sober but I used within a few hours. I was shooting up now. As the police were on to me no one wanted me to deal for them on the estate so I started selling myself. Work made me cry. They were filthy dirty old me who would spit and punch me in the face afterwards. One attacked me with a bottle leaving me needed 35 stitches in my head.
What made you get help?
I got arrested for prostitution and my Dad cried. I have never seen him cry before and it broke down years of feelings. He said he would sell the car and get me help. The police let me off with a caution after talking to Dad, I don’t know how he managed it.
He took me to a rehab with a separate detox unit. Coming off smack is not recommended; it took three or four days and was horrible. I was petrified that the other people at the clinic would find out I was a slag.
A woman at the clinic said she had slept with 100s of men as she as abused. She gave me the courage to tell my story. I was surprised that no one was shocked, I must have looked awful. It turned out that everyone in the group had done things they were not proud of. The clinic said we were the strongest group they had ever seen.
I stayed for 7 weeks as my consultant told my Dad I needed as much help as I could. Dad arranged for me to go live with my Nan so I didn’t see any of my old mates. It was a good idea. My cravings were driving me mad. I got a job of all things at Tesco.
I love NA, I hate therapy and I don’t pray and meditate as much as I can but I am clean and sober. I do not steal or sell my body, I do not lie or cheat. I still have nightmares and some days are so dark that I don’t know if I can get through, but I do one day at a time.
I am so grateful for God, my Dad and my family. Without them, I would be in a ditch somewhere with my throat slit.
Life today is manageable and some days I can even like myself. I’ve learnt to have faith and let my Higher Power do for me what I couldn’t do for myself.
If you are young and reading this, please get help sooner than I did. You are not BAD you are ill.
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